Wednesday, October 4, 2023

writing while waiting for my little pizza, if the little pizza is finished and i wanna keep going ill make a note of exactly when my pizza timer goes off, right now i have 11 mins 49 seconds left but including the time it took to type this title

 The Bake Sale was underway and Gina had one objective: a kiss from her husband.

"Hey Tyler."

"Hi Gina."

Not even a hug.

"What's been selling?"

"Brownies have been selling like hot cakes, hot cakes aren't doing so well though."

"That's surprising, hot cakes usually sell like iPads."

"Huh?"

He never understood her.

"Where do you want me?"

"Gina, what?"

"To stand, you're the head of the committee."

"You're perfect right where you are. Actually, maybe a few inches starboard."

And leave him port? Yeah right.

"I miss you at the house."

"I told you, I'd come home after the Bake Sale."

"This Bake Sale has been going on for two months."

"We're raising a lot of money!"

"Who's we?"

"The school."

"Don't you think you can only be generous to a certain point? If you keep giving and giving and giving, mightn't there be not much left to be given? And if you keep giving beyond that point, don't you fear the school resenting you?"

"I said I would stop the Bake Sale once we ran out of Bakes to Sell."

"And?"

"You keep donating them."

Actually I'm satisfied with that being the conclusion and I still have four minutes left, this was a fun quickie brain dump writing challenge. Maybe I'll do it again sometime. :)

Saturday, September 30, 2023

The guest room

"Is the guest room ready?"

"Stop calling it the guest room, they're not guests."

"Yes they are. It's a bed and breakfast, we have guests."

"They're paying you to stay in our house."

"Exactly. That's what a guest is."

"I don't even want to do this, it's so stupid."

"Stupid enough to help your student loan payment."

Charlie didn't have a response, and that pissed him off so bad. His mother went back into the kitchen by the time he thought of one.

"The towels are still wet."

It's probably better that she left the room before he said that.

The McConnells arrived promptly three minutes late for their 7 o'clock check-in, and Barbara delighted in charging them the $25 late fee, but she didn't break the news to them yet. Rather, she mentally added it to their tab. She wouldn't forget. She wouldn't. (And she didn't.)

Dinner was awkward. Charlie and Barbara sat alone at a table for twelve with chairs for eight. She had made enchiladas, not great but not bad by any means.

"They're having sex."

"Charlie-"

"They are."

"I know they are." Barbara also knew they wouldn't protest if she added a $50 cleaning fee to her mental tab.

"Are they going to think it's weird that we don't have any other guests?"

"That's not ours to care about."

"Yeah, but isn't it fun to speculate?"

"Speculate?"

"What?"

"That's an awfully big word, Charlie."

Again, he had no idea how to respond to that. But he didn't need to. His mother went on, "You've always been a busybody. Since you were three. For a while, we just assumed you were gay. But then your father found your magazine..."

"What magazine?"

"Did you have more than one type of magazine in your room when you were 14?"

He felt frozen. At this point, he was beyond embarrassment, he had caught his mother in much more compromising positions than the one he figured he was technically "caught" in right now. But he just felt confused.

His mother had changed a lot since his father died. Not drastic, or at least not sudden. He wasn't sure the right word for it. He felt coldness to and from her, but he never considered it. He was too busy thinking that he was thinking about himself.

Thursday, September 7, 2023

I Saw Her Hit Her

She hit her first. The blonde woman. I saw it happen, we all saw it happen. I thought it was part of the show. The dinner theater show. Well, yes, I know now that it wasn't. Obviously.

Do I look dense to you? Or stupid, or what? Like I can tell when a fight escalated.

You don't actually care what I have to says though, right? Like will it go in your report? You know I didn't call 911? I didn't want to get involved. But now I guess it's too late for that now. My boyfriend could have told you this if you didn't let him go home. That I didn't want to do this, he could have told you that I didn't want to do this. Why do I have to do this and he doesn't have to do this?

No I don't know why she hit her. I don't know them. I don't care about them really. Well, yeah I want them  both to be okay. I know it was bad. I have eyes, I could see that it was bad. It was terrible. But I thought it was part of it.

You tell me, if you saw a fight break out at a murder mystery where the actors go out into the audience and serve people dinner, what would you think? Would you think- Yes. Thank you, you would think it was part of it.

Her bracelet flew off. No the other woman. She had a bracelet on. Did anybody tell you that yet? Okay then, congratulations, it wasn't a complete waste of your time to make me stay here, just one of my time. One waste of my time.

Can I have a glass of wine while we wait here? If I have to keep waiting here I want you to buy me a glass of wine. I'm pissed, not flirting. Get over yourself. Wait, are you part of this? Are you a fucking dinner theater actor? No? Okay, show me your badge. Give it to me. Because. I want to see it! Thank you.

I do hope she's okay though. It seemed nasty. Is there like, a number I can call to check on them? Or a website? I can look up "dinner theater blonde fight dead or alive status injury arrest police" but something tells me that won't be a narrow enough search term for Google.

Can I go pee? Or leave?

Wednesday, September 6, 2023

Remembering My Time on 'Deal or No Deal'

I was the best Banker that damn set has ever seen.

You know Howie smokes pot between takes, right? I'm not the only one, I'm just the one without a name to hide behind. Fuck that fucking show.

I don't regret my time there, I got to put my BA in math to good use. A lot of people think that there's a room of people that come up with the Banker's offers. Wrong. It's just me, and I have to do it fast. That show is live-to-tape. Fucking penny pinching fucking network fucking.

Sometimes when I call Howie on that little landline, I would try and tell him jokes to make him laugh. And that son of a bitch never did. What does that say about me? I made that guy so much money. I bought him his third house, and he was so nasty to me. The banker's dressing room was always next to his until I got hired. I was there for a month then they made me move. I didn't think it was him I thought it was just a production thing but then they told me it was him.

I was friends with a lot of the case models, I actually set up #24 and #13 on their first blind date eight years ago. I got to speak at their wedding, it was a really beautiful night, except the rain.

I tried so hard to make Howie like me. He was so cool and he was so good at being a host. I thought we could be friends. Have our little talks on the landline. I thought we could at least have a rapport. They told me he always ate lunch out with the whole crew until right around when I started. I don't even eat lunch with the crew, but they told me he just didn't want to risk me showing up?

I'm the one who got him into pot, you know that? I don't know if it should be a brag, but it is. I got Howie Mandel into smoking marijuana on the set of Deal or No Deal. And I shit you not, the final two cases on the first episode he hosted high were #4 and #20. Seriously. I know that it sounds too good to be true, so it's on you to trust me.

Even then, he never laughed. At my jokes, he never laughed. Fuck. Why can't I stop thinking about him. Nobody has ever made me more excited and more anxious and more upset and more angry and more free.

So anyways, how tall did you say you wanted this Christmas tree?

random word generator challenge: anticipate, sigh, loyalty

Please fasten your seatbelts, the flight is about to take off.

Fine, but as soon as that light goes off I'm getting up to pee. Why did I take the window seat? I have longer legs, I should have taken the aisle so I could stretch out. It's not his fault though, I demanded it, I had to see the sun to make sure we didn't leave the planet.

I guess other planets can still see the sun, but I'm sure it would look different enough that I would notice.

He's been so sad lately, I thought I would surprise him with a quick hop skip and jump to the Caymans, but then of course his father died. Kidneys stuff. I'm not complaining about his father dying, though I guess I do wish it didn't happen, but not because of the Caymans. Because I love him. 

I love him so much. I know it doesn't sound like it but I am a very supportive partner. I can read him, and I know how to adjust like a thermostat.

Thank you, we are now at our cruising altitude and you are free to move about the cabin.

"Cruising altitude, haha, right? Right. Jordan wake up, I have to go to the bathroom. And the lady's coming with our champagne can you get that?"

How did he fall asleep so quickly we've been in the air for one second. How is there a line for the bathroom? They just let us get up, this is unacceptable.

Sometimes Jordan gets really sad, like so sad. And I can feel him breaking, and I want to help put the pieces back together, but sometimes they're sharp, and if I bleed on this new shirt I swear to god I'll kill myself.

"Excuse me, can you please hurry up in there!" *Bang* *Bang* *Bang*

I'm surrounded by fucking children. Why do I have to do all this work? His mom has been no help planning the funeral, and I'm not letting him do that. Nobody should have to plan their parent's funeral.  They should be able to go and it's perfect and they grieve and we grieve and I'm there and he doesn't need anything he just needs me if he needs me and I'm there because I'm there. So I'm making his sisters do it.

I should have told him to take the window seat when I got up if he's just going to sleep the whole time.

Turbulence.

Great, I fucking pissed myself.

Monday, September 4, 2023

P!nk's Summer Carnival

Hi everybody, um. Welcome to the last show of P!nk’s Summer Carnival!

I’m really sorry, but tonight’s concert has been cancelled. There’s no easy way to say this, but during the tech run there was an accident with the acrobatic rigging, and P!nk is in critical care. 

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, this was bound to happen. It was a carabiner, I saw it happen. It broke, but she was still- on one side she was still hanging up swinging. And she was upside-down so long that she fainted. But then she was supposed to fly out all the way across the stadium, and they forgot to stop it from happening, but her one side was already broken. So it sorta flung her limp body and she slammed into a bunch of chairs. Row 40, you’re probably in or around those chairs actually. If any of you see a hoop earring on the ground please bring it up to the stage, it's probably P!nk's.

Listen everybody, P!nk is probably going to be okay, but even if she’s not, she wouldn’t want us to be sad.

Maybe, if everybody could just bow your heads in a minute for prayer. Excuse me, for a minute, in prayer.

Dear Heavenly Father, please help bring our sister P!nk home to us here on the stage. She was supposed to perform tonight, and we know she was wrong to question your might with her aerial tricks, but please Father, forgive her, and return her safely to the stage. 

I'm comin' up, so you better get this party started

I'm comin' up, so you better get this party started  

Get this party started on a Saturday night

Everybody's waiting for me to arrive

Sending out the message to all of my friends

We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz

I got lots of style, check my gold diamond rings

I can go for miles if you know what I mean

There will be no refunds for tickets.

Sunday, June 4, 2023

I JUST HAD SUCH A SAD THOUGHT

It's embarrassing because I don't know how to make it sound beautiful.

It's like, getting up in the morning is so hard. And maybe as an adult you have to just accept that it gets harder and harder to wake up and get up each day until you're dead. I think the real issue is that I'm high right now, and I've really been having a rough sleep schedule lately, and it's midnight and I'm blogging instead of brushing my teeth and going to bed so I'm scared to have to get up in the morning, and I'm a drama queen. Had a great weekend though! Saw tons of friends 😎 Do y'all think about death a lot? I think about death and dying nearly every day for at least a little while.

Nicole Kidman envies Reese Witherspoon's 'certainty' — The News

What if once a month you could just find out everybody you know who died that month instead of having to find out all as they happen? Would that make the grieving process better and easier?

Once a year? Could that help? Certainly not, but not certainly.

Comment down below, what would be your ideal way to find out about the death of somebody very close to you?

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

Tonight

Tonight at the Vanderpump Rules finale viewing party at Syndicated, it was so fun, and then they aired Watch What Happens Live with Ariana as the guest after, it was legendary.

While WWHL was airing (this is a true story as best as I can remember hours after it happened) a group of 5-6 French people walked in. I was standing near the entrance at that point just based on where we got seats when we arrived originally (it was super duper crowded, VPR fans run deep, just like Ariana's comedy we take Bravo shows seriously), so the French man asked me what was going on. People were being really vocal responding to the show, it was sort of silly they must have been very confused what they walked into.

I said it's Vanderpump Rules.

He said what's that.

I said it's a reality show.

He said oh.

I said she had a boyfriend for 10 years, and he cheated on her for 7 months with another cast member.

He said oh. And is it popular, like throughout America.

And I said not like all of America but a lot of it, especially right here.

He asked if people usually did this, came to a bar and watched it together. Or do they watch it at home?

I said not really, but this is a big episode. It's the finale.

He repeated: Oh, the final?

I said yeah.

He asked who won.

I said her (Ariana was answering a question on the screen).

He turned and explained everything to his group in French.

We watched for a little longer and then he asked something else, I kinda forget what. Maybe something about who she won with or who she competed against or what the competitions were.

I had to explain that the show wasn't a competition. I just explained it's about they all work at the same restaurant, and it's about their drama. Like when they fight or make out.

He asked if they worked at the restaurant in real life too or just for the show.

I lied and said in real life too.

Their whole group walked in got a round of drinks and sat at the table near us and I told my friends all the details of this story while lazily covering my face and making no attempt to whisper. 

C'est la vie.

Charlie later explained that a nearby hostel lists Syndicated as a bar of note to check out in the area.

Monday, April 24, 2023

Suggestion Box

Only 3 this month. Why do I have to do this? 

1. Dylan should call me more! I miss him when he forgets to call, I don't know why he doesn't call every day like a good son. Why is he insistent on being a bad son? Have I been a bad mother? I don't think I have been. Like, for instance, when I gave him 30 minutes to himself in my home when he came over for Easter so he could be on his phone. Would a bad mother do that for her son? I'm asking, would she? This is mom, by the way.

These are supposed to be anonymous. What's the point of a suggestion box if people are just going to tell you what they think is wrong with you to their face anyways? Respect the ceremony of the box, people!

2. I think Dylan would look so good in skinny jeans. Just a thought.

Why do people always put this one? I know I would look good in skinny jeans but I'm allowed to not be comfortable in them. You'd think by not wearing them I give off the vibe that I don't want to wear them. Do people think I don't know about them? That I've been through 28 years of life not knowing about skinny jeans? And that all I ever needed was for somebody to tell me skinny jeans existed and I'd be so shocked and surprised and endlessly grateful that somebody made me aware of the one thing that had been missing from my life like those Facebook videos of colorblind people seeing colors for the first time. I tried skinny jeans in high school and I liked how they looked but I didn't really like how they felt. It's not like I don't know that I look good in them, but I prefer something a little bit looser, like joggers. I love that joggers give the relaxed illusion of a snug fit thanks to the cuffed ankle and tapered leg, but they still give your thighs room to breathe.

3. I saw Dylan eating out of the trash at Ron Goldman's son's bar mitzvah. I'm not even quite sure he was aware he was doing it, it almost looked like he was in a trance. At one time I saw only his legs, upside down, it was clear that he had dived into the trash can head first and was fully submerged. Was he looking for scraps? Is there trouble at home that he isn't able to get three square meals? I'm happy to send the lunch wagon by to make sure he is eating. They have sandwiches on there, so as long as he isn't a picky eater, they should be able to accommodate him. Also, why the garbage? Was he not aware of the chaffing dishes full of chicken tenders feet away? Even the big cake. It would have been less strange of him, in my eyes, to eat that cake and ruin Ron's son's day than to discreetly eat out of the garbage. Not that he was being discreet.

I must have left this one in from March. Whoopsies!

Tuesday, March 7, 2023

Dream Date

"You can't ruin someone's day just by being in it," he murmured to himself.

"Normal people don't feel bad when they come out on the other side of the subway than they're used to. They don't feel like they're betraying the normal smoke shop that they go to when they buy a $10 indica pre-roll and a $1 plastic red lighter from the smoke shop closer to this side of the subway. In fact, they think that's cool!" he was pacing in front of the brownstone at this point. People were walking past, slowing their pace to eavesdrop on him for an extra two seconds at a time.

"Normal people don't feel bad when they get to somebody's house 10 minutes early for movie night, they just walk around the block until they're 15 minutes late." He immediately started walking around the block but just as quickly ran into Carter, three paces ahead, with a backpack full of groceries.

"Drew!" his date said, "You're early."

"Sor-"

"Don't be sorry!"

"Okay, sorry, yeah, no I'm not, uh, fuck you," Drew murmured.

"What?"

"Nothing. Fuck you."

"Okay," Carter laughed.

"I brought weed."

The two moved inside and Carter kicked his roommates out, played The Roches' self-titled album, and made a bag of frozen pasta. "Should we watch a horror movie? I love when they kill each other."

Absolutely not. Normal people don't watch horror movies and they feel completely normal about that and all of their friends support that decision. They're called horror movies, they are trying to scare you, yet god forbid you be scared by them? How dare you set a boundary?! No. It's alright to set boundaries. Why not watch something funny? Everybody likes something funny. Or cool. Action. "Um... which one?" Drew said.

"Maybe Halloween?"

"It's March."

"You're so funny."

Absolutely not. "Uh... sure, I gue- yeah." Drew pulled up the Wikipedia synopsis of the movie to avoid any surprises. They were on the couch, and it wasn't the most comfortable couch, but it was small, so they had to sit close.

Kyle Richards run for your life.

"Wait, is your nose bleeding?" Carter asked, pausing the movie.

Finally. Ever since he was a kid, Drew was able to work himself up to the point of a nosebleed. It used to require much more thrashing of his arms, but he's since perfected the technique. It takes a lot of focus, admittedly 35 minutes' worth this time. Poor Jamie Lee Curtis. Frozen on the screen, nineteen years old, a child actor by all accounts. 

"Do you have any tissues? I like the soft ones, like the ones with lotion in them somehow," Drew became cocky in spite of his current condition.

"Uh, sure," Carter said, "I have paper towels?"

Maybe this is ruining his day. I hope he still wants to make out with me. If we make out should I tell him that I faked the nosebleed or will he be mad at me? It's not like I manipulated him or anything. And I'm not ruining his day, I can't be. You can't do that. "You can't ruin someone's day just by being in it," he murmured to himself.

"Huh?" Carter sat back down next to his date with a fistful of (crumpled, not folded) paper towel, "Tilt your head back."

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Diamond

this was a self challenge: write something that takes place before electricity was invented (without looking up any details of that time)

_____________

"Count Mariner, what are you doing here?" the lady of the house asked, clearly on one.

"Diamond, shush," the Count quieted his yapping Shiba Inu, "Mary Beth, I've tried being patient, but I know you. You've taken bigger risks before and you'll take bigger ones again, so it's time you gave me an answer."

"No."

"'No', as in that's your answer, or 'No' as in you won't give me an answer?" the Count countered.

"Enough, I've had it with your silly games of wit. My answer is no, as in I would never go all in on a business with you. Not after what you've put my father through. The anguish, the torment. You know you drove him to... you drove him..." Mary Beth trailed off.

"I what? Where did I drive him? The shop? The mall?"

Mary Beth's father was a financier, and a good one. Until the Count came into his life. The two built these great dreams (driven by the Count's propensity to the imagined) of what the world could be, and Mary Beth's father fell victim to their attempt at actualization. How could he have known that after throwing all of his money into the Count's plan to build a tunnel system between his home and the Mayor's house as a means of influencing local policy, the Count would sue him for intellectual property, causing Mary Beth's father to go bankrupt? He should have known, but how could he have? Now Mary Beth was forced to rely on her own husband's dwindling income to support her lifestyle (addiction to gambling).

"You drove him to drink," Mary Beth bit back, "and die. You drove him to drink and die."

Suddenly, the lord of the house appeared. It seems the two's tones weren't as hushed as they'd hoped. He was completely nude and all out of sorts.

"Wife? What are you doing up at this ungodly hour?" he asked Mary Beth.

"Charles, dear, you've lost yourself in the night. Retire to bed if you'd please," the lady of the house responded.

"Why? So you can proceed in your affair with this scoundrel?"

"Nothing of the sort is happening here," Mary Beth assured him.

"Enough. In these twelve years of matrimony, I've come to learn you raise your rightmost eyebrow up in the air when you lie, as I see you're doing now," Charles said, reflexively performing the gesture as he spoke. He was right that his wife had this tell, and that she had done it this very morning when she told him she would be delighted to have his parents visit for the winter months, however, she was not doing it now. He was looking at his own face in a mirror, unaware that his wife was off to his left, "Now, I want the truth and I want it from this man. Count Mariner: is my wife attempting to seduce you for reasons personal or professional?"

"About as much as you are, old man," the Count said with a chuckle, he always laughed at his own jokes.

Was this answer enough for the lord of the house? Likely not, as Charles was on a pill. It was a special regimen, straight from his doctor, to help cure his liver, which at this very moment was looking for the emergency exit. The side effects were simple in concept, though complex in their magnitude. Basically, they just made him act "nuts", for lack of a better term. The sciences were a very young field, and only those with Charles's status (high, though less so than the Count) could afford the risk of experimenting with them. Charles was convinced his wife was preparing to take off in the night with her own arch-rival to begin anew atop a top tropic (topical, he thought, given the discussions he and his wife had about someday visiting the Maldives once his condition was better managed).

And so the lord of the house pulled out his hunting whistle, blew it, and before anybody knew what was happening, the Count's dog Diamond prepared to maul all three humans in the room to death.

The dog was entranced as if acting on some primal instinct to kill. She went for the Count first, the saddest detail of all. Any shred of loyalty to her owner evaporated the instant she heard the whistle's tone. Mary Beth and Charles screamed, but that only encouraged the dog's work. Diamond was smart, she knew where the heart was, and she knew how hard she would have to bite.

Mary Beth tried to kick the dog, but Diamond was too fast, grabbing the lady of the house's foot in her mouth, and using the Count's corpse as leverage to throw Mary Beth face-first into the mirror hanging on the wall. Glass (mirrors are made of glass) shattered about, illuminating the room with an almost gay spirit. It was in these shards that one could see Charles's naked body, very poorly hidden behind a rail-thin lamp. He thought he was better concealed, but alas, his pill. Regardless of his prowess in the art of hiding from a dog who had just gotten the insatiable taste for human blood, Diamond could smell him, and made quick work of disassembling each appendage of his body.

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Goggle

I heard that Goggle died. Goggle, that regular from that bar we went to that Summer. That Summer, yeah. I know it sucks. But I always got a weird vibe from him, didn't you? Like he was ready to yell, all the time. I wonder where that comes from.

Remember when we were there and he came in, "Get out here, it's snowing, it's snowing!" and I remember we followed him out, and it wasn't snowing. And he took off running into the bar, slammed the door shut, and locked it. It was weird that he had a key. And then he stole $20 out of my wallet, bought two beers, and drank them before he let us back in. Did he like, have a crush on me? Do you think? I remember a different time he just kept trying to push me off my stool all night. It felt very like little kid playground crush. Like he would grab my leg and push from the inside of my thigh to try get me off the stool. I actually liked it, it was cute. But then why would he get so angry other times?

Yes you do. He was the one who ordered Rum and Diet Coke.

He could never play pool. He like, would watch the game, and analyze it, and talk about it, but he would never play it. We would play it with somebody else and he would watch, and try and tell us what to do. And they would always be really good tips and stuff, like he was really helpful, but then it's like okay you just play it yourself. Like, he clearly wanted to play it but he wouldn't let himself. Which is like, kinda sad. It always felt like he had a weird past with it, like I remember one time he told a story about his family, and I don't remember what happened, but he had sorta the same look in his eyes that when we played he watched us do pool. I feel like he got in a lot of trouble when he was a kid.

He was really good at math. 

Oh? Oh. He was murdered. Struck down with a car, and they said there's no way it was not on purpose by the way they found him. Like. Ugly. 

Poor Goggle.

Thursday, January 12, 2023

He feels like he's gonna be struck by lightning, he tells me.

He just knows it's gonna happen. It's raining out and he went walking and he swears he saw seven bolts of the stuff hit the ground. I don't know if he's telling the truth but I'm inclined to believe him. We're sitting in my office - he's only truly safe when he's inside, and where better than his lawyer's house. Am I his lawyer yet? He swears it's like he's being followed, though he knows that's absurd to say out loud. His eyes don't stay locked to mine long enough to realize the color in this lighting. I can't believe the lightbulbs in this room have lasted so long. I don't remember the last time I changed them but probably at least five months.

It's hard to be the lawyer to somebody so paranoid. It's contagious. I think, could he be lying to me?, but I guess that's not for me to figure out. And besides, he's right that it's been raining an awful lot. His hair is wet, not a bad touch.

But he wants to sue the sky. I admit to him, I've never taken on a case like this before. I'm not even sure where to begin. What exactly are the damages he's looking to get? He makes it clear, two million dollars in damages and a restraining order. I realize I should have preferred to ask for the other specifics of his case before pay, my mother would think it very garish of me to jump straight into pay, if I'm using that word correctly I'm not sure. Bawdy, maybe? My grandmother would know were she with us, she knew a lot of words. Would this case even be worth a trip to the law library? There's no precedent for this. I guess that woman who tried to marry Mt. Etna back in the nineties, she would be closest, but they put her in jail.

I tell him I'm not sure of a judge that would even deem the case worthy of taking it on, and the thing about precedent. We'd have to create a big media frenzy first to gain public support, he seems excited at this notion. I ask if he's ever been struck by lightning, or if he has any proof that the sky would intentionally want him struck. I tell him my rate is sixty percent of any prize money awarded. My mother would shoot me dead if she heard I called it prize money. I honestly don't think I'm worth anything above forty-five percent, but I thought maybe I would scare him off with a highball offer. Unfortunately, he accepted my terms.

Monday, January 2, 2023

Driver's Ed

Okay, which one is the gas? 

Thank you. You never know, if it changes between car and car. Okay, so I just go through the cones but will anything jump out at me? Like a cardboard cutout of an old person? Okay. Thank you. What happens if I hit a cone? Do I get points off? I'm sorry, my parents haven't taken me really that much driving yet, they said they're too busy but I think they're scared of me. Me behind the wheel. They help me with my English homework though, but they're both mathematicians. Pretty funny. I don't need help with my math homework. Because, my parents are both mathematicians, so like, I'm obviously good at math.

How many coins do I get to hit? Cones, sorry. Okay, and how many of the 15 have I hit so far? Okay, and so is there a way to pull over and put some cones back up? Okay, well can I pull over and just do that?

Okay.

What is a K-turn? Does that just mean keep going straight? Because K is in the middle of L and R. Well not the middle, but between. Okay so maybe a K-turn is just a left turn but not all the way?

This would be a good game show. Do you know Game Show Network? I watch a lot of GSN when I have nothing better to do. This feels like, "bigmoneybigmoneybigmoneynowhammies". Well not the same but like the same feeling. Terrible. It's like I'm taking a test but if I fail you'll kill me and my parents will be annoyed. They really want me to be able to drive myself home from drama club. Me too, because they're always late to get me, like, it ends at 6 every time except tech week, winter break, thanksgiving, parent-teacher conference night, football nights, and board of ed nights, why is that hard to pencil in?

Okay so we just do this 10 more times and I get my license right? Okay cool.

Sunday, January 1, 2023

Zooooooooom

I read on Twitter that Niagra Falls will have completely eroded into Lake Erie in 50,000 years. It showed a chart of how the shape of the falls has changed over the last 200-or-so years. Everything will erode, or fossilize, the surface of the Earth will be hot enough to melt certain rocks, and everything will die. Is dying. It made me feel so small.

Today at work we got talked to for talking too much. Sometimes it feels like they only let us talk for so long so they had something to yell at us about later. They said if we didn't keep our numbers up they wouldn't buy us donuts anymore, and threatened to call our parents. I came home and one of my bed springs is broken. It made me feel so small.

Eventually, there will be another big bang, or at least there might be. A new planet will form somewhere, sometime, somehow, and we will never know what happens there, or if it will look like ours, or how life works and evolves there, or if they have network dramas as good as "This Is Us" or "Yellowstone" there. My wife will be home in an hour and I would love to surprise her by fixing it. Or I guess hide it from her since she doesn't know it's broken yet.

I called my mattress guy (my father-in-law owns a Slumberland), and he told me to Google it.

Eventually the Earth will collapse into the Sun. Are you supposed to call somebody or can you fix a bed spring yourself? How do you fix a spring? How many worlds carrying how many living things have died to bring us to this point? My wife will be home in 20 minutes. Google says to just duct tape it, but how do I get it back into the mattress? My father-in-law told me to text him a photo but isn't responding. 

I also saw on a trivia question that I answered once that there are more trees on our planet than stars in the galaxy. No thank you.