Jesus Christ wearing a dress and talking with his hands.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Researchers at UCLA announced at a press conference last Sunday that while researching the life of Jesus Christ, they discovered he “for sure sounded gay.”
“In looking at quotes from the Bible, we noticed a distinctly fruity speech pattern,” Martha Dunne, head linguist on the project noted. “’And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.’ That’s a first draft for ‘it gets better’ if I’ve ever heard one, and that was just our first clue. No straight man is saying things like ‘pluck’, ‘cometh’, or ‘hither’. Those are flourishes. Not words.”
Dunne and her team spent the first six months of the research period combing through the New Testament one word at a time, and rating each word longer than two letters that Jesus spoke on the Kinsey scale, with words like “God” receiving a 0 for totally straight, and others like “slay” receiving a 6 for totally gay. These Kinsey ratings were added up and scaled according to sentence length, whether Jesus was talking to a man, woman or child (children statistically equivalent to women in this metric), and if Jesus was shirtless when speaking. “Jesus’s lexicon averaged a Kinsey 4. Now I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty gay to me,” said Dunne.
Word choice wasn’t the only factor researchers considered. Archaeologists recently discovered human remains nailed to a cross in Jerusalem that they believe to be Christ’s and UCLA anthropologists were able to use these remains to approximate the exact structure of Jesus’s head and neck. They estimate his mouth to be small and thus prone to lisp, and his vocal cords to be slim like a woman’s. “It actually makes a lot of sense, if you think about it,” says Burt Carlock, a genetics professor at the college, “Since the Virgin Mary is Jesus’s only biological parent, his genetic makeup should exactly match hers. This would explain his shrill dramatic voice, his long flowing hair, and his tight little ass.”
