The guest room

"Is the guest room ready?"

"Stop calling it the guest room, they're not guests."

"Yes they are. It's a bed and breakfast, we have guests."

"They're paying you to stay in our house."

"Exactly. That's what a guest is."

"I don't even want to do this, it's so stupid."

"Stupid enough to help your student loan payment."

Charlie didn't have a response, and that pissed him off so bad. His mother went back into the kitchen by the time he thought of one.

"The towels are still wet."

It's probably better that she left the room before he said that.

The McConnells arrived promptly three minutes late for their 7 o'clock check-in, and Barbara delighted in charging them the $25 late fee, but she didn't break the news to them yet. Rather, she mentally added it to their tab. She wouldn't forget. She wouldn't. (And she didn't.)

Dinner was awkward. Charlie and Barbara sat alone at a table for twelve with chairs for eight. She had made enchiladas, not great but not bad by any means.

"They're having sex."

"Charlie-"

"They are."

"I know they are." Barbara also knew they wouldn't protest if she added a $50 cleaning fee to her mental tab.

"Are they going to think it's weird that we don't have any other guests?"

"That's not ours to care about."

"Yeah, but isn't it fun to speculate?"

"Speculate?"

"What?"

"That's an awfully big word, Charlie."

Again, he had no idea how to respond to that. But he didn't need to. His mother went on, "You've always been a busybody. Since you were three. For a while, we just assumed you were gay. But then your father found your magazine..."

"What magazine?"

"Did you have more than one type of magazine in your room when you were 14?"

He felt frozen. At this point, he was beyond embarrassment, he had caught his mother in much more compromising positions than the one he figured he was technically "caught" in right now. But he just felt confused.

His mother had changed a lot since his father died. Not drastic, or at least not sudden. He wasn't sure the right word for it. He felt coldness to and from her, but he never considered it. He was too busy thinking that he was thinking about himself.

I Saw Her Hit Her

She hit her first. The blonde woman. I saw it happen, we all saw it happen. I thought it was part of the show. The dinner theater show. Well, yes, I know now that it wasn't. Obviously.

Do I look dense to you? Or stupid, or what? Like I can tell when a fight escalated.

You don't actually care what I have to says though, right? Like will it go in your report? You know I didn't call 911? I didn't want to get involved. But now I guess it's too late for that now. My boyfriend could have told you this if you didn't let him go home. That I didn't want to do this, he could have told you that I didn't want to do this. Why do I have to do this and he doesn't have to do this?

No I don't know why she hit her. I don't know them. I don't care about them really. Well, yeah I want them  both to be okay. I know it was bad. I have eyes, I could see that it was bad. It was terrible. But I thought it was part of it.

You tell me, if you saw a fight break out at a murder mystery where the actors go out into the audience and serve people dinner, what would you think? Would you think- Yes. Thank you, you would think it was part of it.

Her bracelet flew off. No the other woman. She had a bracelet on. Did anybody tell you that yet? Okay then, congratulations, it wasn't a complete waste of your time to make me stay here, just one of my time. One waste of my time.

Can I have a glass of wine while we wait here? If I have to keep waiting here I want you to buy me a glass of wine. I'm pissed, not flirting. Get over yourself. Wait, are you part of this? Are you a fucking dinner theater actor? No? Okay, show me your badge. Give it to me. Because. I want to see it! Thank you.

I do hope she's okay though. It seemed nasty. Is there like, a number I can call to check on them? Or a website? I can look up "dinner theater blonde fight dead or alive status injury arrest police" but something tells me that won't be a narrow enough search term for Google.

Can I go pee? Or leave?

Remembering My Time on 'Deal or No Deal'

I was the best Banker that damn set has ever seen.

You know Howie smokes pot between takes, right? I'm not the only one, I'm just the one without a name to hide behind. Fuck that fucking show.

I don't regret my time there, I got to put my BA in math to good use. A lot of people think that there's a room of people that come up with the Banker's offers. Wrong. It's just me, and I have to do it fast. That show is live-to-tape. Fucking penny pinching fucking network fucking.

Sometimes when I call Howie on that little landline, I would try and tell him jokes to make him laugh. And that son of a bitch never did. What does that say about me? I made that guy so much money. I bought him his third house, and he was so nasty to me. The banker's dressing room was always next to his until I got hired. I was there for a month then they made me move. I didn't think it was him I thought it was just a production thing but then they told me it was him.

I was friends with a lot of the case models, I actually set up #24 and #13 on their first blind date eight years ago. I got to speak at their wedding, it was a really beautiful night, except the rain.

I tried so hard to make Howie like me. He was so cool and he was so good at being a host. I thought we could be friends. Have our little talks on the landline. I thought we could at least have a rapport. They told me he always ate lunch out with the whole crew until right around when I started. I don't even eat lunch with the crew, but they told me he just didn't want to risk me showing up?

I'm the one who got him into pot, you know that? I don't know if it should be a brag, but it is. I got Howie Mandel into smoking marijuana on the set of Deal or No Deal. And I shit you not, the final two cases on the first episode he hosted high were #4 and #20. Seriously. I know that it sounds too good to be true, so it's on you to trust me.

Even then, he never laughed. At my jokes, he never laughed. Fuck. Why can't I stop thinking about him. Nobody has ever made me more excited and more anxious and more upset and more angry and more free.

So anyways, how tall did you say you wanted this Christmas tree?

random word generator challenge: anticipate, sigh, loyalty

Please fasten your seatbelts, the flight is about to take off.

Fine, but as soon as that light goes off I'm getting up to pee. Why did I take the window seat? I have longer legs, I should have taken the aisle so I could stretch out. It's not his fault though, I demanded it, I had to see the sun to make sure we didn't leave the planet.

I guess other planets can still see the sun, but I'm sure it would look different enough that I would notice.

He's been so sad lately, I thought I would surprise him with a quick hop skip and jump to the Caymans, but then of course his father died. Kidneys stuff. I'm not complaining about his father dying, though I guess I do wish it didn't happen, but not because of the Caymans. Because I love him. 

I love him so much. I know it doesn't sound like it but I am a very supportive partner. I can read him, and I know how to adjust like a thermostat.

Thank you, we are now at our cruising altitude and you are free to move about the cabin.

"Cruising altitude, haha, right? Right. Jordan wake up, I have to go to the bathroom. And the lady's coming with our champagne can you get that?"

How did he fall asleep so quickly we've been in the air for one second. How is there a line for the bathroom? They just let us get up, this is unacceptable.

Sometimes Jordan gets really sad, like so sad. And I can feel him breaking, and I want to help put the pieces back together, but sometimes they're sharp, and if I bleed on this new shirt I swear to god I'll kill myself.

"Excuse me, can you please hurry up in there!" *Bang* *Bang* *Bang*

I'm surrounded by fucking children. Why do I have to do all this work? His mom has been no help planning the funeral, and I'm not letting him do that. Nobody should have to plan their parent's funeral.  They should be able to go and it's perfect and they grieve and we grieve and I'm there and he doesn't need anything he just needs me if he needs me and I'm there because I'm there. So I'm making his sisters do it.

I should have told him to take the window seat when I got up if he's just going to sleep the whole time.

Turbulence.

Great, I fucking pissed myself.

P!nk's Summer Carnival

Hi everybody, um. Welcome to the last show of P!nk’s Summer Carnival!

I’m really sorry, but tonight’s concert has been cancelled. There’s no easy way to say this, but during the tech run there was an accident with the acrobatic rigging, and P!nk is in critical care. 

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, this was bound to happen. It was a carabiner, I saw it happen. It broke, but she was still- on one side she was still hanging up swinging. And she was upside-down so long that she fainted. But then she was supposed to fly out all the way across the stadium, and they forgot to stop it from happening, but her one side was already broken. So it sorta flung her limp body and she slammed into a bunch of chairs. Row 40, you’re probably in or around those chairs actually. If any of you see a hoop earring on the ground please bring it up to the stage, it's probably P!nk's.

Listen everybody, P!nk is probably going to be okay, but even if she’s not, she wouldn’t want us to be sad.

Maybe, if everybody could just bow your heads in a minute for prayer. Excuse me, for a minute, in prayer.

Dear Heavenly Father, please help bring our sister P!nk home to us here on the stage. She was supposed to perform tonight, and we know she was wrong to question your might with her aerial tricks, but please Father, forgive her, and return her safely to the stage. 

I'm comin' up, so you better get this party started

I'm comin' up, so you better get this party started  

Get this party started on a Saturday night

Everybody's waiting for me to arrive

Sending out the message to all of my friends

We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz

I got lots of style, check my gold diamond rings

I can go for miles if you know what I mean

There will be no refunds for tickets.