Remembering My Time on 'Deal or No Deal'

I was the best Banker that damn set has ever seen.

You know Howie smokes pot between takes, right? I'm not the only one, I'm just the one without a name to hide behind. Fuck that fucking show.

I don't regret my time there, I got to put my BA in math to good use. A lot of people think that there's a room of people that come up with the Banker's offers. Wrong. It's just me, and I have to do it fast. That show is live-to-tape. Fucking penny pinching fucking network fucking.

Sometimes when I call Howie on that little landline, I would try and tell him jokes to make him laugh. And that son of a bitch never did. What does that say about me? I made that guy so much money. I bought him his third house, and he was so nasty to me. The banker's dressing room was always next to his until I got hired. I was there for a month then they made me move. I didn't think it was him I thought it was just a production thing but then they told me it was him.

I was friends with a lot of the case models, I actually set up #24 and #13 on their first blind date eight years ago. I got to speak at their wedding, it was a really beautiful night, except the rain.

I tried so hard to make Howie like me. He was so cool and he was so good at being a host. I thought we could be friends. Have our little talks on the landline. I thought we could at least have a rapport. They told me he always ate lunch out with the whole crew until right around when I started. I don't even eat lunch with the crew, but they told me he just didn't want to risk me showing up?

I'm the one who got him into pot, you know that? I don't know if it should be a brag, but it is. I got Howie Mandel into smoking marijuana on the set of Deal or No Deal. And I shit you not, the final two cases on the first episode he hosted high were #4 and #20. Seriously. I know that it sounds too good to be true, so it's on you to trust me.

Even then, he never laughed. At my jokes, he never laughed. Fuck. Why can't I stop thinking about him. Nobody has ever made me more excited and more anxious and more upset and more angry and more free.

So anyways, how tall did you say you wanted this Christmas tree?