Lonely Hearts’ Guide to St. Patrick’s Day

Kiss Me, I’m Irish Desperate, the Lonely Hearts’ Guide to St. Patrick’s Day

Move over St. Valentine! That’s right, the actual most romantic day of the year is back. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably asking yourself, “How do I make it through another March 17^th alone?” Well look no further! You’ve stumbled across a comprehensive St. Paddy’s Day single’s survival guide, filled with tips to help you find a match or die trying.

I.               THE NIGHT BEFORE

Bring a little ~90s nostalgia~ to the day and lay a leprechaun trap! If the luck of the Irish is on your side, then maybe you’ll wake up to a mate of your own (and remember Size! Doesn’t! Matter!). For this craft you’ll need some glue traps, a shoebox, and a few gold coins. Center the glue traps in the shoebox and put the gold in the middle of them. If a leprechaun happens upon this bounty in the night, he won’t be able to resist the urge to have it, and he’ll get caught in the glue. Not only will you have access to all his riches, but according to Irish legend, a caught leprechaun is also obligated to invite his captor out on a really high-end dinner date… score!

II.             ST. PATRICK’S MORNING

If the leprechaun trap failed, you’ve got no time to lose. Ideally, you’re waking up at 3:14am on 3/14 to the Dropkick Murphys hit “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” playing from every possible speaker in your house. Once you’re up, you’re gonna wanna guzzle down a Shamrock Shake for breakfast, and then it’s off to YMCA for you! When you arrive, head right for the basketball court. If the Disney Channel Original Movie “The Luck of the Irish” has taught us anything, it’s that nothing is more Irish than basketball. Find some other singles to play a few rounds of two-on-two with before heading out. These games will give you the energy, determination, hope, and humility that will carry you through the marathon day of tragedy, rejection, and failure ahead of you.

*CAUTION: Do NOT flirt with these singles. Use them only for pickup basketball. No matter how convenient it may seem to just hook up with one of these YMCA singles, you are guaranteed to be out of their league. WE DON’T HAVE TO SACRIFICE TASTE FOR EASE PEOPLE*

III.           PARADE TIME!!

Most major towns and cities have a St. Patrick’s Day parade, I know because my grandparents met at one. If they could find each other on a crowded NYC day before the age of the internet, then you should be able to find your soulmate easily. As soon as you are 3 miles from the parade route, open up your favorite dating app and start swiping. It doesn’t matter if you are driving, you can’t miss a moment (MOMENTS = MATCHES). Parades are the perfect place to meet somebody new, just think about it: everybody is facing the same direction, so there is no pressure to dress nicely. You can barely hear anybody over the myriad high school marching bands that are somehow all playing the same song on loop, so you’ll have plenty of do-overs if you say the wrong thing. If nothing is going right and you just aren’t making the love connection you were expecting to, just hop in the parade for a few hundred yards and settle next to somebody new! Bonus life, baby!

IV.           LAST DITCH EFFORT

If you still haven’t paired off by sundown, reach out to the singles from pickup basketball this morning. Ask any and all of them to dinner. You should feel humiliated but at this point they are all you have left.

V.             IF ALL ELSE FAILS

So, let’s just say, hypothetically, even the basketballers turn you down (HUGE YIKES). You’re just going to have to drag everybody else down to your level. That’s right, it’s time to drive all the ~snakes~ off the island ;) ;) ;) wink!!! Break into homes, burn down restaurants, call the SWAT team, do anything you have to do to follow St. Patrick’s example and separate every happy couple in your path. Just remember, more than half of all St. Patrick’s Day dates end in disaster, so you’d be doing the world a disservice by letting them stay together. Make barren your once fertile land and revel in its newfound glory! You have ushered in a new era! After all is said and done, grab a mocktail and hit the sack, you’ve earned it!

Appendix A. POTENTIAL CONVO TOPICS

If at any time you find yourself lost for words mid-flirt, consider these conversation starters:

-       Your troubling history with the law

-       How well you performed in high school courses

-       Shamrock

-       Acronyms that you don’t know what they stand for (ASPCA, NRA, GDP, etc.)

Appendix B. PUNS/WORDPLAY/PICKUP LINES

Use liberally to spice up any conversation, and feel free to experiment with your own:

-       Wanna come clover tonight?

-       I’m just a Danny Boy looking for a Danny Girl. (alt: Are you a Danny Boy? Because I think I hear the pipes calling.)

-       Looking for somebody to get jiggy with.

-       I feel like all my life I’ve been Saoirse-ing for my match, but after meeting you, I think the Saoirse’s over.

-       Have you been struck by a potato famine? Because you look like you need somebody to take you to dinner.

-       Funny… I didn’t realize I was at the end of a rainbow but looking at you I know I’ve found gold.